Resource Article For Teens March 2016 - Dating

Dating Advice for Young Adults
MARCH 3, 2016 • DEB KOSTER

The world of dating relationships is riddled with challenges to maneuver. How do you find the right one to walk with you through life? What should the relationship look like when? Are there rules, benchmarks, or steps for measuring the depth and health of a relationship? God designed us for fellowship, but it's confusing when relationships don't come together or come together too fast. So how can we be good dates for serious relationships?

Don’t rush.

There may be people that you love who would like to see you find a relationship quickly, but don’t feel pressured to comply. Choosing the person with whom you want to spend your life should be a selective process. So take your time and be discerning. Relationships are built over time, and should never be rushed into, neither because of your parents nor because you feel the senior scramble pressure before graduation.

Drop the rush. 

If you've got someone in mind, feel free get to know each other in group settings. Feel free to have dates alone too, so that you can get to know each other--sharing a meal or a movie doesn't mean you're instantly an item (leave that for Facebook!). Be willing to take your time. If you are in too much of a hurry then you will be tempted to settle for less than God desires for you.
Still, while there's no rush, keep the end in mind. The goal of romantic relationships is a permanent, lifelong marriage. That's not tomorrow, but neither are you simply out to have a good time while it lasts. That dishonors everyone involved, including you. Take your time, enjoy the walk, but know there is a destination at the end of the path. Friends hang out forever. Couples grow in intimacy.

Be yourself.

At first, we're all on our best behavior to make a good impression. But be yourself. If you find you are adjusting yourself in order to fit someone else's expectations, be cautious. Our friends should make us better people, but don't try to be someone you're not, because it's not true and it's not sustainable.

Also, seek romantic relationships with those that share your faith, and avoid relationships with those that don't. Our culture says religion is about trivial preferences, but true religion is the foundation for how we order our lives. You can't build a life on a mismatched foundation. Do not be unequally yoked. Seek those that encourage you to be more Christ-like. Don't put your relationship with God in second place to enter a romantic relationship.

Build connections.

Intimacy has four facets: intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and physical. Your relationship should grow in all those connections in proportion as you mature together. Do you enjoy talking and doing things together? Is there mutual respect and even admiration of each other's gifts? Are you in tune with how the other is feeling, and what their hopes, joys, and fears are? Are you growing and practicing faith together, in worship, prayer, and service? Are you comfortable, tender, and responsible in each other's space?  You need deepening connections in all these areas, not just one. Cultivate them intentionally. Talk about them and make plans explicitly on how you can grow together appropriately if needed. Danger or trouble in one area is a red flag for them all.

Live out your passions.

God has given you passions that excite the heart and drive engagement with the world. Seek those who share or affirm your passions--it's a natural platform for intimacy. Dating someone with opposite interests means both of you will fight for attention with these things you enjoy, either dragging the other along, or without the other's involvement, or you simply drop the opportunity to enjoy them. Don’t settle for someone who doesn't encourage you in living out God’s gifts in your life. Your passions are part of God’s gifting to you, and should be followed instead of dismissed.

Face insecurities.

We're all damaged with insecurities, and trying to grow closer touches on our vulnerabilities. Your partner is broken too, and you will step on each other's toes. Expect a little conflict, and decide to treat relationship missteps as opportunities to learn and grow together.
Yet, some relationships will end (and should end), and that will be OK. It is important to look honestly at ourselves without getting too uptight. Let each relationship teach you something about yourself. You have to own your triggers, but you are fully worthy of love. Let your sense of self-worth come from your identity as a child of God and not from what other people think about you. Don’t let your insecurities keep you from reaching out and stepping into a relationship.

Be picky.

Don’t settle for a less than a God-honoring relationship. Don't hold out for someone who is perfect, because no one is perfect. But be choosy for someone who honors God and honors you. Don’t settle for someone who is living outside of God’s guidelines for life. A person of questionable moral character is not someone you want to build a life with. Befriend them, witness to them, but don’t date them--it will only lead to heartache.

Keep a sense of humor.

Every relationship will have awkward moments. Decide not to get bent out of shape over the screw-ups. There is nothing productive to be gained from kicking yourself over past mistakes. It is a blessing to learn to laugh at your own mistakes. Decide to take life as a fun adventure and acquire some interesting stories and laughs along the way. If you will be able to laugh about it down the road, then why not start by laughing now.

Seek wise counsel.

Listen to what the voices around you have to say about your relationship. Gain wisdom by listening to those not emotionally invested in the relationship. If all of the voices in your life are suggesting that your relationship is not healthy, be willing to consider their perspective. If you have emotional wounds that need healing, seek out some professional help before pursuing a new relationship. Bringing our brokenness into a relationship won’t bring us healing, it just brings baggage into the presence of a new person. Let wise counsel set you on the right course for pursuing a healthy relationship.

Follow God’s leading.

If our relationships are out of sync with the way that God has called us to live, then it is our relationships that need to change. God has a plan for you, plans to prosper you. Seeking God’s will should be the priority. Matthew 6:33 tells us to “seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Decide to make following God the priority and discover what blessings he adds to your life.

Dating can be challenging to maneuver, but these truths can help you discover a relationship that will be right for you and honoring to God. You want to be sure that the person with whom you plan on spending your life is someone who honors God and will be a blessing to you in your life.


Deb Koster is a producer, writer, and speaker for Family Fire. After over 20 years as a Registered Nurse, she is following her passion for family ministry. Deb and her husband Steven enjoy leading marriage retreats and family seminars to encourage people in their most intimate relationships. The Kosters are the parents of three awesome young adults and reside in the Chicagoland area.

Read more articles like this at: www.familyfire.reframemedia.com/parenting.

Parent Resource Article March 2016 - Parenting Skills

Living into the Authority God established for Families
FEBRUARY 8, 2016 • DEB KOSTER

Who's in charge at home? Healthy families need structures of authority, and we all have authorities in life to which we answer. God cares about the flourishing of families, and calls us to be accountable to one another in our roles, in society and at home. Consider the authority that God has set in place and evaluate how your family is embracing a Biblical model of authority.

Everyone answers to God’s authority.

Even at home, parents are never so above the law that they can behave in any way they choose. We are all accountable to God and we should live in obedience to God’s word. Psalm 47:7-8 says, “For God is the King of all the earth; sing praises with a psalm! God reigns over the nations; God sits on his holy throne.” We serve in obedience under God’s authority. Our lives should reflect an obedience to God’s commandments. Jesus said in Matthew that, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.” If we can recognize that the authority of this world is placed into hands that we can trust, it may make it easier for us to relinquish control.

God has instituted authorities.

In society, we have a responsibility to respect those with authority over us and model respect for those God has commanded us to obey. Romans 13:1 says, “Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God.” Parents have an opportunity to model respect for authority by how they live under the authority of the church and the government. Protest can be appropriate, for all people are under God's design, but it should still be respectful. The obedience and respect that we model will be the obedience and respect we'll see in our kids.

God placed parents in charge.

At home, parents are in charge, and their parenting goal is to raise godly kids. Our culture pushes an ongoing temptation to defer to the wishes of our children. Our culture has made an idol out of childhood. We love our children and desire that they would feel our affection. We dote over children trying to provide them with every new opportunity. But as a child's happiness, rather than character, becomes the focus, children become entitled, expect others to serve them, and take on an authoritative role in the home as parents defer to their desires. But this is not how God established the authority in the home. Parenting is not about meeting children's expectations. God placed parents in the position of leadership in the home and we should not neglect the responsibility God has given us as parents.

Be the parent: Accept the responsibility given to you.

Parents can feel helpless when a newborn is placed in their arms and entrusted to their care. Parents may feel clueless about how to parent well when a child's behavior is baffling. Parents may wish to remain forever young and not act like their own parents. But that does not alter the call of parenting nor the position of authority that God gives parents in the home.

You are the grownup, and there is help available. Sometimes parents need each other. Sometimes we lean on God in prayer for strength. Sometimes professional resources through Christian counseling centers can be very helpful, whether seminars or counseling. God promises to give wisdom to those who seek it. Proverbs 13:24 says,“Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.” Exercising our authority and disciplining is a demonstration of love to our families. It is in your power to say no to things and set limits. As those given authority, it is okay to say no to things that interfere with making God central in our homes. God places us in authority over our children and calls us exercise that authority faithfully. Parents can delegate age appropriate responsibilities to help their children learn responsibility, but they do not neglect the role of being in charge.

Ignored responsibility is harmful.

We harm kids when we do not serve them by being in charge. Children should have age-appropriate decision making power, but they shouldn't be responsible for parenting siblings or without resources for meeting their own needs. It is far healthier for children to exercise age appropriate independence. Absent or neglectful parents raise anxious and directionless kids since structure provides the supports that children need for success. Children should not be in charge of home finances or house rules; this is part of the parents' domain. Children should have age appropriate responsibilities without being put in a position to carry a burden that is beyond their ability. The brain of child is still developing and it is ill prepared for seeing the consequences of actions so do not give them authority that God did not entrust to them.

Obey authority over you.

Children answer to the authority of the parents. As Ephesians 6:1 says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” This is the structure that God has put in place. As parents we need to accept the position in which God has placed us. Our culture tends to put the wants and desires of children central in family life. This is not the role that God established so we need to be careful not to give our children undue influence into the functioning of the family. It is appropriate for parents to take into consideration the needs of everyone in the home, but ultimately it is the adults who must be exercising decision making authority. This indulgent parenting is harmful to children in that it gives them authority that is beyond their capabilities.

Wield authority with love.

We do not neglect our role as parents leaving our children without leadership or abuse our role by being harsh with our authority. It is important to listen to the voices of everyone involved and allow opportunities for other voices to be heard. As Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Neglectful or abusive parenting is as destructive as indulgent parenting. Parents who exercise authority without love are too enamored with their own power. Our children should obey not just because we say so, but because they know that we love them and want what is in their best interest.

Negotiating the authority in the home can be challenging, but God has established his channels of authority to bless us. If we are all fighting for control then we the result is chaos. Following God’s design brings us to a place of orderly function.


Deb Koster is a producer, writer, and speaker for Family Fire. After over 20 years as a Registered Nurse, she is following her passion for family ministry. Deb and her husband Steven enjoy leading marriage retreats and family seminars to encourage people in their most intimate relationships. The Kosters are the parents of three awesome young adults and reside in the Chicagoland area.

Read more articles like this at: www.familyfire.reframemedia.com/parenting.